By Ellen Inverso, PsyD
For many of us, this time of year evokes a lot of emotions: for some, excitement, joy, or warm reflections on memories and traditions; for others, loneliness, loss, or anxiety. Perhaps some of us are experiencing a mix of both. The extraordinary prolongment of the COVID-19 pandemic magnifies our ambivalence and whether or how we choose to do things with others. Mixed emotions are accompanied by an equally mixed bag of thoughts: “Things must be as they were before,” “Things can’t be as they were before,” “What’s the point?” “Will people judge me or my decisions?” These experiences are valid, though they can greatly impact our energy and motivation to get through it all. In a recent webinar, Beck Institute Center for Recovery-Oriented Cognitive Therapy (CT-R) co-director, Paul Grant, and I facilitated a discussion with Philadelphia mental health professionals on the conflicting thoughts, emotions, and actions stirred up during this time of year. We brainstormed together how to access our best selves, discover and use our inner resilience, and navigate both the foreseen and unanticipated challenges, all to make the most of this time of year and experience what matters most to us.
Here are some of the ideas that came out of this discussion, all rooted in the principles of Recovery-Oriented Cognitive Therapy:
Gift yourself a break.
There is no rule book for this time of year. The ongoing nature of the COVID-19 pandemic might make this statement even more true. The following mantra can be your guide: The right decision is the one you make. Some things will work out surprisingly well. However, some things will likely not go exactly as you hope. When a decision doesn’t work out, that can help you learn for the future. Give yourself permission to take stock, reset, and try something different next time. Importantly, when things do go well, or at least better than expected, call it out! What worked? What was it about the choice I made that felt best? Can I do more of that?
Identify your values.
Feelings such as loss, longing, or frustration reveal where your values lie. What you feel you are missing tells a lot about what matters most to you. Ask yourself: What is it about this situation or time of year that is making me feel so unsettled? If everything was how I wanted it to be, how would I see myself, or see myself in relation to others? Your values might be about connection or having a sense of belonging to something bigger than yourself, being able to contribute to family or the broader community, expressing gratitude and showing care or concern for others, helping or being involved in charitable causes, or using knowledge and skills to lift others up.
Values are your key to control.
Once you’ve identified what your values are, resilience can come in the form of value-driven action. Ask yourself: What is one way I can live my values today? These acts can help increase your sense of predictability and control in a time when many have expressed a prevailing sense of uncertainty. Some of my values are in bringing people together to share in enjoyable experiences. Next week, my mom and I will be making our family’s traditional holiday dinner. The recipe has been passed down for generations, which also helps us feel connected to those who are no longer with us. I cannot control who will be missing from the table and who will be calling in from afar, but I can still create, share, and connect. Even in the most complex circumstances, our values are the path to resilience we didn’t know we had.
Make the most of each experience.
One of the gifts our dearly missed collaborator and friend, Dr. Aaron Beck, gave us is how to make the most of every experience. He urged us to notice what is happening, draw conclusions, and make valuable meanings. He termed this Guided Discovery. Asking the right questions can lead to strength, resilience, and thriving. First, notice: when things feel good; when you feel your best, most authentic, or most connected self. What are you doing in those times? Then draw conclusions: What does it say about anyone who, even in the face of uncertainty or stress, pursues the things that matter to them? What does it say about you that you had this experience? Finally, when your actions involve other people, share your observations and conclusions: Did we notice what we accomplished together, regardless of distance, stress, or other circumstances? What does that say about us as a collective? Noticing the good, the resilient, the strong can easily be missed. Many of us have a bias to notice and amplify negative experiences. Being intentional about noticing all experiences helps us make the most of even mixed results and helps us refocus and channel our energy into what is possible.
The last 21 months have made us humble about predicting the future. Moving into 2022, one thing we can count on is our strength – we can adapt and do valuable things together that we never imagined we could.